So we went to court

If you're new here my story is here, here, and here so this is really like part 4. I left off telling you all that we had court and my ex-husband was facing jail time. Since February he and I were getting along for the boys' sake and he started paying me child support. Can I just go ahead and say that a leopard doesn't change his spots or whatever that saying is? Anyway I'm ahead of myself. I wrote a letter to the judge requesting that he did not get any jail time for the sake of his three children, however I did not wish to drop the charges.

I don't exactly know what happened other than my wishes were not met. We showed up to court the judge said he had to pay some fines and when the fines were paid off the charges were dismissed. WHAT THE F%^*?! I didn't want the charges dropped I wanted that stuff to be on his record. I wanted that to follow him the way it follows me.

Guess what happened after that? Yeah no more child support. *eye roll* I knew he was only doing what he had to, to avoid jail time and not because he was really trying to change. So this my friends makes the 19858709340685983 time he has manipulated me into doing exactly what he wants. Why am I so freakin stupid?

I guess I could have said something to the judge I could have made a big scene but I didn't. I walked out of the court room, went right next door and got my pistol permit. I also have a brand new shiny (PINK) 380 to go along with it. I obviously can't rely on the law to protect me.  As long as they're getting money well I guess F anyone else.

Now Im not sure where to go from here. I don't want to keep my sons from seeing their father bc last time that only ended badly for me with a very heartbroken seven year old. However every time said seven year old comes home he tells me something that makes me want to go absolutely mama bear on the idiots that reside at my previous home. I look back at the last 10 years and I think to myself REALLY? That is the life you chose? I am forever thankful for my boys and they are the 2 wonderful blessings that came from that relationship, but if I could still have my kids and do it all over again boy would I have avoided his ass like the black plague.

I thought that this would be the end. I thought that justice would be served and I would feel like I was finally stronger than him but that didn't happen. He played me just like all the other times before and I'm left angry and bitter about it.

I have to get past this place. I have to quit seeking revenge and seek forgiveness. I have to move on with my life and figure out  a way to make it a healthy environment for the boys.

I really just dont know where to go from here. I wish it was an easy break and I would never have to see or hear from him again but we have children together which means from now on I will have to deal with him.

I guess I need to declare this moment on my starting over point. No more looking back and letting my past haunt me. I have a bright future I have wonderful kids and I will not let that evil bring me down any more.

The justice in all this is that I don't need to see him unhappy to feel happy. I dont need to seek revenge. I am in a good place in my life. Overcoming the chains that have held me down for so long is justice in itself.

I am finally free... because I am happy..I am strong... I am no longer allowing hate in my heart.