Breaking Free

All my life I have had a tendency to turn to humor when I feel uncomfortable. If I do something stupid, I make a point to do something even more stupid and laugh about it to take away the awkwardness. The reason I started over with this blog was because I wanted to really come to terms with my life. How exactly is Brittney breaking free? You wouldn't know because I tend to just focus on funny posts or something that will make others laugh. Lord knows I don't want everyone to really feel the torment I feel at times. However, if I really want to make a difference and break free from who I was. I need to be honest. I need to be real. The only thing holding me to my past is my unwillingness to be open about it. 

If you were to notice me on the street you'd never know I was once 225lbs. You'd never know the very sensitive and emotional Brittney had no feelings and no tears she was numb. You'd never know that I hid some very dark and painful secrets. You'd never know I was in an abusive relationship because when you talked to me I'd have a great smile and a bubbly personality. When you watch TV and there is a woman on there you always see her wallowing in her hurt, or staying far away from family and friends to keep her secret, or wearing baggy clothes to hide the bruises. That wasn't me. If you were to see me, you would have assumed I was the happiest girl in the world. On social media I never posted about the monster I was married to it was more like Brittney 'has the best husband ever'. To my family and friends I'd brag about how awesome my ex-husband was to me and the boys. 

You're probably thinking I was scared of what he would do if I told. You're probably thinking I was being controlled to act this way. Usually that's how TV portrays it. That wasn't the truth with me. I wasn't protecting him, I didn't give a damn about him. I was protecting myself. After so many years I was completely numb to the abuse. I felt no pain and I had no tears. Really, I had no emotion at all. I was just there but boy could I put on a good show. Truth is... I didn't want my family and friends to judge me, I didn't want people to know I had failed. I didn't want to face my fear of being alone with two kids. I'd rather stay and be cheated on, physically and emotionally abused, and left alone than let anyone know that my life wasn't perfect that *I* somehow wasn't what I had always made myself out to be.

When I finally told my mom the truth about the last 11 years she broke down and sobbed. She honestly had no idea the hell I put myself through. She didn't understand why or how I hid it so well.  I've always been the type of person that cared what others thought of me way too much. I honestly thought people would look at me as if I was a huge failure so I stayed. My numbness grew to pure hatred. I hate to admit this, it kind of sounds pyschotic #don'tjudgeme I would fantasize about just hitting him over and over again in his sleep. I hated him and had he not been the father of my children, maybe I would have done it. There comes a point in your life when you have to say enough is enough. Everyone has their breaking point and you never know how it will effect you.

Everyone has their demons and some people hide it better than others. At the time, I would rather live with a monster and take the abuse than face my fears. He always told me that no one would belive me, he always told me that no one would take me with 2 kids, he always told me no one would help me. "You're a fat lazy bitch that doesn't know shit about the real world" 

Those words stung. I wasn't stupid. I wasn't naive. I had worked full time before, and I was a smart girl but for some reason I believed him. I thought maybe hes right. My mom doesn't want me and my 2 kids moving in with her, then I will just be a burden.  Who's going to hire me with no experience and 2 kids, he's right how will I support myself? For all these years Ive painted a beautiful picture, he's right no one is going to believe me.

Fear immobilized me. Fear kept me there. Fear was my security blanket. If I stay here at least I'm ok, and I don't have to face the real world. I wasn't afraid of him, I was afraid of the real world. I was afraid of reality, after all I had created quite the illusion that was more than picture perfect.

One day I was on the phone with my cousin and I told her that I wanted to leave him but I said every time I try I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Something is telling me to stay. She said No. Brittney, that is fear. You're afraid of taking a leap of faith. Its not love its fear. What she said really stuck with me but I continued to stay. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, I looked fear in the face and I jumped for the unknown. I didn't think about it I just jumped. I didn't know what the future would hold for my 2 boys and me and once that feeling in the pit of my stomach started to subside I felt a huge wave of relief. I took my boys clothes and a few things of mine and I left to go stay with my mom. She honestly had no idea what was going on because in her mind life was peachy. I never looked back I left my house, my furniture, my home decor, and my heart break when I closed the door that day. I thought I would be sad and full of regret but when I closed that door I smiled and my heart felt light for the first time in about 7 years.

The next couple of weeks things got easier. I kept busy and focused on finishing my degree and dove head first into my school work. Of course he called wanting to talk and come back. I had left before for a day or maybe a few hours but every time he would call me over to 'talk' I would find myself right back in the dark place believing his same old stories of change and the perfect picket fence life. Since I left on a whim I felt I owed him closure...side note I owed him nothing and I realize that now. He tried to sweet talk me but I felt stronger I felt free and my spirits weren't to be broken again. I told him it was over and done with. The next day I called a lawyer told him I wanted out and wanted nothing from my ex-husband. All I wanted was my freedom. I signed those papers and that was when the first chain broke.

I had been with this man for 11 years, there was a lot holding me down but once I felt that first bit of freedom it only fueled my fire. I began looking for a job, I was happy, and I felt confident that if I was strong enough to break free from the hell I was living in I was strong enough to accomplish anything I set my mind to. I ventured into the dating world I dont know if I was ready for that but I thought it would do me some good. I met Mike a few months later. I finished college in May of 2013. Mike and I moved in together pretty quickly so I still have some growing to do but I am far from the Brittney I was.

If you're still reading this, thanks, and the reason I am sharing my story is this:

• One in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
• Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults.
• Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner than men
• Women ages 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence.
• Every year, 1 in 3 women who is a victim of homicide is murdered by her current or former partner.

Just because you see someone who looks like they have the fairy tale life don't assume that to be true. Everyone has battles everyone has something that they don't want the world to know. If you might be that woman that was me. Dont be fearful, take that leap. Don't be afraid of the unknown, because once you take that leap and look fear in the face there is a GIANT world out there that you have yet to witness.

I am here now at 27 with two children and I am doing just fine. There is life after death so to speak, because for me that was what that relationship was a slow painful death. I am happy. I am healthy. I am free.

There is more to my story, just because I signed papers doesn't make it all go away, but this is long enough so I'll share the rest of my story at a later time.