Breaking Free

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

All my life I have had a tendency to turn to humor when I feel uncomfortable. If I do something stupid, I make a point to do something even more stupid and laugh about it to take away the awkwardness. The reason I started over with this blog was because I wanted to really come to terms with my life. How exactly is Brittney breaking free? You wouldn't know because I tend to just focus on funny posts or something that will make others laugh. Lord knows I don't want everyone to really feel the torment I feel at times. However, if I really want to make a difference and break free from who I was. I need to be honest. I need to be real. The only thing holding me to my past is my unwillingness to be open about it. 

If you were to notice me on the street you'd never know I was once 225lbs. You'd never know the very sensitive and emotional Brittney had no feelings and no tears she was numb. You'd never know that I hid some very dark and painful secrets. You'd never know I was in an abusive relationship because when you talked to me I'd have a great smile and a bubbly personality. When you watch TV and there is a woman on there you always see her wallowing in her hurt, or staying far away from family and friends to keep her secret, or wearing baggy clothes to hide the bruises. That wasn't me. If you were to see me, you would have assumed I was the happiest girl in the world. On social media I never posted about the monster I was married to it was more like Brittney 'has the best husband ever'. To my family and friends I'd brag about how awesome my ex-husband was to me and the boys. 

You're probably thinking I was scared of what he would do if I told. You're probably thinking I was being controlled to act this way. Usually that's how TV portrays it. That wasn't the truth with me. I wasn't protecting him, I didn't give a damn about him. I was protecting myself. After so many years I was completely numb to the abuse. I felt no pain and I had no tears. Really, I had no emotion at all. I was just there but boy could I put on a good show. Truth is... I didn't want my family and friends to judge me, I didn't want people to know I had failed. I didn't want to face my fear of being alone with two kids. I'd rather stay and be cheated on, physically and emotionally abused, and left alone than let anyone know that my life wasn't perfect that *I* somehow wasn't what I had always made myself out to be.

When I finally told my mom the truth about the last 11 years she broke down and sobbed. She honestly had no idea the hell I put myself through. She didn't understand why or how I hid it so well.  I've always been the type of person that cared what others thought of me way too much. I honestly thought people would look at me as if I was a huge failure so I stayed. My numbness grew to pure hatred. I hate to admit this, it kind of sounds pyschotic #don'tjudgeme I would fantasize about just hitting him over and over again in his sleep. I hated him and had he not been the father of my children, maybe I would have done it. There comes a point in your life when you have to say enough is enough. Everyone has their breaking point and you never know how it will effect you.

Everyone has their demons and some people hide it better than others. At the time, I would rather live with a monster and take the abuse than face my fears. He always told me that no one would belive me, he always told me that no one would take me with 2 kids, he always told me no one would help me. "You're a fat lazy bitch that doesn't know shit about the real world" 
Those words stung. I wasn't stupid. I wasn't naive. I had worked full time before, and I was a smart girl but for some reason I believed him. I thought maybe hes right. My mom doesn't want me and my 2 kids moving in with her, then I will just be a burden.  Who's going to hire me with no experience and 2 kids, he's right how will I support myself? For all these years Ive painted a beautiful picture, he's right no one is going to believe me.

Fear immobilized me. Fear kept me there. Fear was my security blanket. If I stay here at least I'm ok, and I don't have to face the real world. I wasn't afraid of him, I was afraid of the real world. I was afraid of reality, after all I had created quite the illusion that was more than picture perfect.

One day I was on the phone with my cousin and I told her that I wanted to leave him but I said every time I try I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Something is telling me to stay. She said No. Brittney, that is fear. You're afraid of taking a leap of faith. Its not love its fear. What she said really stuck with me but I continued to stay. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, I looked fear in the face and I jumped for the unknown. I didn't think about it I just jumped. I didn't know what the future would hold for my 2 boys and me and once that feeling in the pit of my stomach started to subside I felt a huge wave of relief. I took my boys clothes and a few things of mine and I left to go stay with my mom. She honestly had no idea what was going on because in her mind life was peachy. I never looked back I left my house, my furniture, my home decor, and my heart break when I closed the door that day. I thought I would be sad and full of regret but when I closed that door I smiled and my heart felt light for the first time in about 7 years.

The next couple of weeks things got easier. I kept busy and focused on finishing my degree and dove head first into my school work. Of course he called wanting to talk and come back. I had left before for a day or maybe a few hours but every time he would call me over to 'talk' I would find myself right back in the dark place believing his same old stories of change and the perfect picket fence life. Since I left on a whim I felt I owed him closure...side note I owed him nothing and I realize that now. He tried to sweet talk me but I felt stronger I felt free and my spirits weren't to be broken again. I told him it was over and done with. The next day I called a lawyer told him I wanted out and wanted nothing from my ex-husband. All I wanted was my freedom. I signed those papers and that was when the first chain broke.

I had been with this man for 11 years, there was a lot holding me down but once I felt that first bit of freedom it only fueled my fire. I began looking for a job, I was happy, and I felt confident that if I was strong enough to break free from the hell I was living in I was strong enough to accomplish anything I set my mind to. I ventured into the dating world I dont know if I was ready for that but I thought it would do me some good. I met Mike a few months later. I finished college in May of 2013. Mike and I moved in together pretty quickly so I still have some growing to do but I am far from the Brittney I was.

If you're still reading this, thanks, and the reason I am sharing my story is this:

  • One in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
  • Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults.
  • Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner than men
  • Women ages 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence.
  • Every year, 1 in 3 women who is a victim of homicide is murdered by her current or former partner.
Just because you see someone who looks like they have the fairy tale life don't assume that to be true. Everyone has battles everyone has something that they don't want the world to know. If you might be that woman that was me. Dont be fearful, take that leap. Don't be afraid of the unknown, because once you take that leap and look fear in the face there is a GIANT world out there that you have yet to witness.

I am here now at 27 with two children and I am doing just fine. There is life after death so to speak, because for me that was what that relationship was a slow painful death. I am happy. I am healthy. I am free.

There is more to my story, just because I signed papers doesn't make it all go away, but this is long enough so I'll share the rest of my story at a later time.


  1. BRITTNEY!!! I feel like we are the same person with very similar experiences. I don't know if I have been able to relate to anyone on this level before. I think you just became a friend for the rest of my life. Even if you don't want to be lol. For years I have always thought no one would ever understand why. You get it. Thanks girl!

  2. oh honey. what an amazing story, how strong of you to post. seriously, i cannot even imagine going through something like this - thank goodness you left for yourself and your children. my father was an abusive alcoholic and i have very bad memories and an effed up childhood thanks to him. my mum was terrified of leaving him, and it was only after he did something to me that she packed up and left. the one thing she always told me was to never stay with a man that would hit you. thankfully i have never been in that situation, but i really just want to say you're awesome and amazing and go you.

  3. I'm so glad you shared this... you never know when someone might be going through the exact same thing, stumble upon it and know that there's hope for them. :)

  4. Kudos for sharing this. I know it will reach someone that it can help.

    Break those chains girlfriend.

  5. You never know what is happening behind closed doors. I'm glad you are free!This is a very powerful post. I commend you for writing it.

  6. I think it is great that you shared this. It lets you open up and vent it all out...and there is going to be someone out there who reads this and the light goes off in their head "OMG this is me...I need to leave. I need to take that leap."

    You NEVER know what someone else is going through. That is why I always make it a point to smile and be nice to everyone I encounter. You NEVER know.

    You go girl! It took a lot of bravery to do what you did, and I know you are all the better for it!

  7. Thanks for sharing girl. You are in inspiration to all women that walk or have walked this same road. I hid my pain like you and when I left my family to his side but I rose above and am in a better place. I raise my glass to Brittany being free and to her future and to all the women who decide to finally put their happiness first and breaking free. You are an inspiration.

  8. It is amazing that you chose to share your story.You never know who it might touch or who you might lend a little extra strength to that is in a similar situation. It is so wonderful to show that there is hope and light on the other side :) Kudos to you! You only live one life...we have to do what we can to make the most of it :)

  9. Thank you so much for sharing your story and the reality of what people go through behind closed doors. It is eye-opening for friends and family when the veil is removed like that.

  10. Damn girl! I knew you were strong but had no idea how strong you really are. I am so proud of you for walking away! It took my Aunt almost 30 years to finally walk away. Completely ruined her life. I have so much respect for you for finally facing your fears and realizing there is more to life. You are amazing momma!

  11. Thank you for digging deep and sharing your story. I know it was probably hard for you, but it's so important. Hopefully sharing your story will help someone else.


If you notice I do not respond to your comments, it is because you are a "no reply" blogger and I am unable too!
How to enable your e-mail: BLOGGER ACCOUNTS: To do this, click on your Dashboard, click on EDIT PROFILE and place a check mark next to SHOW MY EMAIL ADDRESS, and finally scroll to the bottom and click SAVE PROFILE.**