PART 2 Happily ever after

I shared Part One of my Happily Ever After-Divorce HERE. Long story short I left off with a restraining order against my ex-husband after a pyscho high speed chase through town with my 1 year old in the car with me. I'm sharing part 2 today because I have court about this next week and I'm feeling pretty anxious about it.

I got the restraining order. He wasn't contacting me or the boys and life settled down. I was completely happy with him out of our lives even if I was struggling financially. I'd rather struggle than have a psycho-path give me some money.

This calm period went on for months. I thought everyone was happy, and we were moving forward with our lives.

Then it happened again, violence. Only this time it wasn't my ex-husband. It was my six year old son. While I was happy and free he was spiraling downward. He was crying all the time. Physically and emotionally pushing me away. Fighting with neighborhood kids and his brothers. His grades were dropping and he was a very angry child.

I did everything I could think of to help him. I tried spending one on one time with him. I gave him a notebook to write in. I spent time talking with him and encouraging him to communicate with me, and nothing was working. I was really worried that things were only going to get worse. One day he screamed at me. WHY CAN'T I SEE MY DAD. WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT OF OUR HOUSE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

I felt my heart break into a million pieces right then and there. My baby was hurting and he felt it was because of me. Of course I didn't tell him what happened that day. He was too young to understand and all of my other explanations and speeches were falling on deaf ears.

I decided to listen to my child's needs and I arranged supervised visitation with his father. He and I were only communicating through email because I wasn't ready to risk a repeat of our previous encounter. He begged me to drop the charges and I refused. However, I did agree to let him see the kids a few hours a week. He sent me an email and said he admired the fact that I was finally standing up to him and I was a lot stronger than he remembered. 

I don't believe anything he says, really I don't. I believe hes sober, and living his life right because  he's on probation and he has too. However my son was happy again he brought his grades up and his anger seemed to disappear so I felt like I did the right thing by allowing him to see his dad.

We have court next week. I try to convince myself that it wasn't that serious but then I look at that post I wrote and it's scary. I have to convince myself that it is serious. It is real. Our lives could have ended that day and I can't take this lightly. I dont want the father of my children to go to jail. However, for my own peace of mind I have to stand up in court and tell the truth. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. My own family thinks I'm wrong. They think it was just a heated argument and I should let it go. I cannot let this go. He got away with so much in our marriage that this is my only way of letting him know that he did not win. He does not still control me. He cannot keep manipulating me.

I guess that isn't really true though is it?

When the police showed up at my house again this morning with a subpoena I had a panic attack. Why do I always forget about myself and my feelings. Why can't I focus on the pure fear coursing through my body that day. I know he's made some recent changes but that doesn't take away from what he did to me that day or throughout our marriage. I can't, any longer, let his well being cloud my judgement. I care because I don't want my kids to lose their father to prison, but where would my children be if he had killed me that day?

I'm done being the doormat. I know he's 'changed' but that doesn't make the past go away. I will for once in over a decade stand up to him to make him be held accountable for his reckless and dangerous behavior. I don't want to see him go to jail, but in life there are consequences for every action. His may be jail time. Mine may be having to deal with anger issues from my oldest son. I will address that when the time comes.

Some people, my family included are calling me cold hearted. Technially yes his future is in my hands. Want to know what else is in my hands? MY FUTURE. MY KID'S FUTURE. If I drop these charges and it happens again where is my credibility? I've already crossed the line by breaking the restraining order. I need this on his record for our protection. I am not miss Chloe I don't know what the future holds but I can't take the risk of not being taken seriously if it ever happens again.

I will let you know how it plays out, Im sure things are about to get ugly again. Say a prayer for my boys if thats your thing

xoxo