Finding Happiness.

I'm feeling kind of down today and it really sucks. Sometimes I find myself drifting back into that dark place I was two years ago and it scares the H out of me! Two years ago I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, and I just let life pass me by. At the time I was a stay at home mom and unless you've ever been there it's hard to understand but its a lonely place. I felt myself spiraling downward but had no control to stop it. I really was giving up and accepted that this was my life. I was overweight, in a dead marriage, and had no will to really do anything.

Something inside of me finally made me snap out of it and I knew if I wanted a change I had to make it happen...hence my life doing a complete 360 in 2 years.

I'm no longer in that dead marriage, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I am in a healthy relationship, and my children are the light of my life. Still something is missing. PURPOSE.

I still can't find my will, my motivation, or my purpose. Granted I always get down and out after a job interview that didn't result in my dream job and I think that's really my problem. I busted my butt for 6 years while raising 2 kids (practically on my own) to get my college degree and make my dreams come true. Honestly, I thought after graduation my life would just fall into place and the final puzzle piece would complete me.

I graduated a year ago, and although I have applied at 1908358 schools I still haven't landed a teaching position. I've went on several interviews but they never seem to land me a job. What am I doing wrong? Granted, I do get nervous and tongue twisted but surely that's to be expected for a first year teacher looking for her first teaching gig right?

I have a good job but it's not where I want to be. It's not my passion and I'm living for Friday afternoons..wishing my days away. Every interview is another set back where I contemplate if I made the right career choice. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I mean how can I teach when I stumble over interview questions that I actually study for well in advance?

Sometimes I wonder will life suddenly be unicorns and rainbows when I land that job. Will I be happy then? Will I always feel like something is missing?

I've searched near and far and busted my ass to find happiness...Im tired of playing hide and go seek.

I should be happy in my place now. I should feel blessed that I have come so far but I always have that little voice in the back of my head telling me its not good enough...I'm not good enough.

These feelings are magnified after rejection ya know from not being picked for teaching positions and it will quiet down when the sting goes away but thats where I am right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

You guys are always so supportive.

xoxo.