Finding Happiness.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm feeling kind of down today and it really sucks. Sometimes I find myself drifting back into that dark place I was two years ago and it scares the H out of me! Two years ago I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, and I just let life pass me by. At the time I was a stay at home mom and unless you've ever been there it's hard to understand but its a lonely place. I felt myself spiraling downward but had no control to stop it. I really was giving up and accepted that this was my life. I was overweight, in a dead marriage, and had no will to really do anything.

Something inside of me finally made me snap out of it and I knew if I wanted a change I had to make it happen...hence my life doing a complete 360 in 2 years.

I'm no longer in that dead marriage, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I am in a healthy relationship, and my children are the light of my life. Still something is missing. PURPOSE.

I still can't find my will, my motivation, or my purpose. Granted I always get down and out after a job interview that didn't result in my dream job and I think that's really my problem. I busted my butt for 6 years while raising 2 kids (practically on my own) to get my college degree and make my dreams come true. Honestly, I thought after graduation my life would just fall into place and the final puzzle piece would complete me.

I graduated a year ago, and although I have applied at 1908358 schools I still haven't landed a teaching position. I've went on several interviews but they never seem to land me a job. What am I doing wrong? Granted, I do get nervous and tongue twisted but surely that's to be expected for a first year teacher looking for her first teaching gig right?

I have a good job but it's not where I want to be. It's not my passion and I'm living for Friday afternoons..wishing my days away. Every interview is another set back where I contemplate if I made the right career choice. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I mean how can I teach when I stumble over interview questions that I actually study for well in advance?

Sometimes I wonder will life suddenly be unicorns and rainbows when I land that job. Will I be happy then? Will I always feel like something is missing?

I've searched near and far and busted my ass to find happiness...Im tired of playing hide and go seek.

I should be happy in my place now. I should feel blessed that I have come so far but I always have that little voice in the back of my head telling me its not good enough...I'm not good enough.

These feelings are magnified after rejection ya know from not being picked for teaching positions and it will quiet down when the sting goes away but thats where I am right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

You guys are always so supportive.



  1. I get this feeling. It sucks pretty bad honestly. I know you will keep trying and not lose focus. I am not sure of the requirements for substitute teachers in your state but maybe check into that. I have friends here that graduated with a teaching degree and had to sub the first few years but managed to get a location daily. I live in a large city with tons of schools so I'm not sure if that makes a difference. Just a suggestion for you. :)

  2. It's okay to have bad days. We all have them. Yesterday was my bad day. I sobbed like a baby at night. After everyone else fell asleep.. I used the opportunity to sob my eyes out. And it felt SO damn good.

    I will email you my phone number. When you get down on yourself, text me. I am always here to lend an ear. I could have used a friend yesterday as well. It fucking sucked.

  3. Honey I am right there with you lately! I dont know what it is, just feel like a black hole is sucking me in....hang in there and I will keep checking in on you....

  4. good luck girl! The job search is such a discouraging process until the right one just HAPPENS !

  5. I totally understand feeling like something is missing in your life. I am not quite sure what my passion that makes it even harder to work towards it!!! I keep thinking something is going to click one day but it hasn't yet.

    Just keep working towards your dream my dear! Good things come to those who wait :)

  6. I understand how you feel. I've been looking for a new job for a long time. I apply for jobs I am COMPLETELY qualified for. Jobs that are exactly what I'm doing now except much closer to home, and I'm not even getting interviews. It makes me wonder sometimes, what's the point?

    You'll find your opportunity. You didn't waste that time in school. You were working toward something. And that something will pay off in a big way.

  7. It's just not your time to have that right job. It is out there it just hasn't rear it's pretty little head yet. Keep your head high, you will land your "dream job", it just takes some longer then others. You got this girl!

  8. Aw girl, keep your head up! The right job will come along for you :)

  9. Aw girl, keep your head up! The right job will come along for you :)

  10. Don't get down on yourself, girl. I can't even tell you how many interviews I've gone on that haven't panned out. I just always try to remind myself that at least it's some more experience at them under my belt... I mean, I'm not a shy person by any means but interviews are NERVERACKING! You WILL find something. I know this. :)

  11. girl I'm right there with ya. I know the feeling esp after job issues and all. and well I'm not technically where I was 3 years ago but I'm better than I was. if you need to chat I'm always here. You know how to find me girl.

  12. We all have our down time at different points in our lives! These past 2 weeks have been hard on me so I can relate to feeling out of control. It'll get better with time!

  13. I can agree with everything you're saying! I've had a bad 2 weeks so I'm in the trenches also. It'll get better with time!


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