This reminds me of myspace...

I am unoriginal and I used Alyssa's post as my own today. It reminds me of myspace and I used to do a shit load of myspace surveys back in the day LOL.


1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? My nickname has been Belle since I was a little girl. Im pretty sure it came from Beauty and the Beast, but to this day that is what my family calls me.

2. What's a weird habit of yours? Read THIS post, I have a LOT of weird habits!

 3. Do you have any weird phobias?I don't really guess so. I always have the worst case scenarios pop in my head at random times which makes me start frantically checking on my children, that's normal for moms though right?

 4. Hey, what happened to number 4?

5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? Lord we could be here for days. When people don't rinse the sink out after brushing their teeth, dirty dishes left in the sink, not closing the toilet, breathing too loud, taking and leaving socks anywhere you please, talking to me while I'm reading..

6. What's one of your nervous habits? Fidgeting, Im really bad about this. I either can't sit still or I tap my feet or play with my hair or hands.

7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Depends on the way you're looking at it I guess. From the foot of the bed I sleep on the right side..but really I sleep on all sides I imagine I am the worst bed partner but my bf hasn't complained yet LOL

 8. What was your first stuffed animal and what was its name? I really don't remember, I think I had barbies and they were all names barbie..so original ;)

9. What's the drink you always order at Starbucks or Dunkin?Venti light mocha frapp with no whip. OMG can someone bring this to me right now?

 10. Which way do you face in the shower? Away unless I've just finished running then I will face the shower that will be cold.

11. Do you have any weird body skills? I can pop my hip out of place, and  I'm extremely flexible.

 12. What is your favorite comfort food that you know is bad for you but you eat it anyway?Anything carbs or chocolate. I love bread LOOOVE it and pasta mmmmm... I also have a bad addiction to chocolate. However Ive been clean eating for 3 weeks and haven't had either YAY ME!

13. What is a phrase or exclamation you always say? Really? yep simple and very sarcastic.

14. What do you wear when you go to sleep? Shorts and a tank top all year long.

 15. What did you used to wear that you thought was cool and now you realize it wasn't? Gouchos lol I loved them they were so comfortable. Platform tennis shoes (thanks spice girls)

What is your WHY?

1. Have you ever taken a fitness class?
Yes when I first started out I was taking a box mania class twice a week. My cousin is the instructor so she was allowing me to come for free. It was such an experience and I wish I could go now...shes made it big time so no more freebies LOL

I was feeling like a bad ass LOL

2. Why do you workout?
A good friend of mine once told me before you even start you need to figure out your why. Why do you want this? A lot of the time my whys were so wrong... I wanted it because I want to wear cute clothes, I wanted it so my husband would stop cheating, I wanted it to look like my friends. Those were all reasons to start but they were never reasons to finished. I would balloon up then get really skinny and back and forth. Want to know why? Because I wasn't doing it for me. When I began this journey two years ago I decided that I wanted to get healthier FOR ME, for my self esteem, my confidence, my own well being. I have successfully kept it up for two whole years and it's because my WHY changed. Its nice to have something you're reaching for such as cute clothes, a better relationship, etc. but until you truly with all of your heart make the decision to change for YOU then it may only be a temporary thing. I now look at this as my lifestyle, when I don't workout I feel awful and like I've let myself down.

3. What is your biggest motivator?
How far I've come is a huge motivator for me, I never ever want to be as unhealthy as I was before. I was lethargic and just blah. The energy I have now and the way I feel helps me keep going and if I ever feel like giving up I let my past motivate me :)

4. Where do you draw your inspiration from?
Myself. Again I'm not being vain but I have to keep my focus on me. However, I get inspired to push myself further when I see the crossfit people running through my neighborhood, I get inspired to go a little longer when I've read so many of your amazing blogs, Im inspired by support and Im inspired by my children...they love it when I play with them and seeing their little eyes light up ignites a fire under my butt and pushes me forward.

5. Do you have routine physicals? (it’s very important to check your health)
Honestly, I don't. I don't even have health insurance *gasp* I know bad Brittney. My job doesnt offer it and I can't afford individual care and I don't qualify for Obama care whatever the hell that is.

Im linking up with JEN (shes my blog crush lol) for Fitness Friday, but I want to know..what is your why?

I quit.

So early Wednesday morning I decided to quit smoking. Im writing this Wednesday afternoon and it'll post Thursday, let's hope my willpower stays strong. I am putting it on this blog because like with my fitness and exercise routine it helps me be accountable..I need tough love yall.

I've been a smoker since I was 15 years old. Yeah I know stupid right? Truth is I quit when I got pregnant with both my boys. I quit cold turkey for at least 14 months with each one. Then something in my life would be stressful and I'd start smoking again.

I'm not pregnant and I still very much want to smoke but I am 27 years old. Im not getting any younger its time for me to kick this habit once and for all. As of right now it's been 9 hours since I have smoked. (If I make it through the night it'll be 25 by the time you are reading this).

According to this almost all the nicotine will be out of my system in 5 days. So basically if I can do this for 5 days it should all be downhill from there right?

So far...
I have eaten like a pig today and been very on edge but I know I have this. I may be an emotional wreck before this is all over but I know its time. With anything I need to list my whys...because without a reason to keep going what's the point?

• I want to run a half marathon, Im tapping out at 5.2 miles right now. I know I could go further.
• My teeth, they are already bad and I need to see a dentist but the nicotine is only making them worse.
• My kids. My mom was a smoker and well I started smoking at 15, I don't want that for my kids.
• My skin...hey I think Im getting wrinkles.
• CANCER... I dont want it and I shouldnt be doing something that increases my risk.

• I want to be healthy inside and out

Okay so those are my whys and if I make it the next 5 days Im going to reward myself someway.

Okay ladies give me the tough love and any tips. I want to do this cold turkey...wish me luck!

Little things that make me .. ME

Sorry for being MIA the last few days. I appreciate all of your sweet and supportive comments. I am in a much better place today! You guys rock!


So as I was blog stalking reading last week I came across Allie & Juliette's posts about quirks they have and well I'm feeling unoriginal so I think I'll share some of my quirks with you guys as well.

Yeah because being weird is a lifestyle choice? Whatever I like Gifs and I included it LOL

>> I've mentioned this before but I pick my eyebrows. Its something I do so often I don't even realize I'm doing it. If I start reading I swear my hand automatically goes to my face. Its a terrible habit.

>> I absolutely will not drink after someone. I grew up with 5 brothers and sisters and we were poor or my mom was too lazy to do the dishes Idk but we had to share a drink or whatever. F that noise because ew!

>> I can't walk in a straight line...no I'm not drunk I just tend to walk sideways, seriously don't walk beside me on a sidewalk next to a busy street.

>> I say I'm sorry a lot, even if I'm not sorry or I haven't done anything wrong. It's an annoying habit. Umm Sorry? LOL

>> If pre ketchup 'kum' gets on my food I won't eat it.

>> I ride in the same lane all the way to work because the interstate freaks me out.

>> I can't paint my nails because I always pick the polish off.

>> I make conversation faces in the mirror to see what I look like when I'm talking. #isthatweird

>> I turn down the radio when I'm looking for a street.

>> I've been with my man for a year and a half and I still won't use the bathroom if he's home, but I will out man belch him everyday.

>> I always, for as long as I can remember, have worn my sunglasses on top of my head. Like a damn headband or something. I wear them at work, at the club, if it's raining. They're always there. One time an old boss bought me a whole bunch of headbands but I was like thanks, but no thanks. Sunglasses forever!

I have a huge lady crush on Emma Stone, if you haven't noticed!

>> I have to eat my lunch at 12:00 on the dot. I dont know why but I am insanely OCD about it. If it's 11:55 and I want to chew my arm off because Ive been up since 4 and I'm starving.. I will still wait those 5 extra minutes.

So now you know lots of things that make you never want to hang out with me that make me, me. What are some quirky things you do?

Finding Happiness.

I'm feeling kind of down today and it really sucks. Sometimes I find myself drifting back into that dark place I was two years ago and it scares the H out of me! Two years ago I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, and I just let life pass me by. At the time I was a stay at home mom and unless you've ever been there it's hard to understand but its a lonely place. I felt myself spiraling downward but had no control to stop it. I really was giving up and accepted that this was my life. I was overweight, in a dead marriage, and had no will to really do anything.

Something inside of me finally made me snap out of it and I knew if I wanted a change I had to make it happen...hence my life doing a complete 360 in 2 years.

I'm no longer in that dead marriage, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I am in a healthy relationship, and my children are the light of my life. Still something is missing. PURPOSE.

I still can't find my will, my motivation, or my purpose. Granted I always get down and out after a job interview that didn't result in my dream job and I think that's really my problem. I busted my butt for 6 years while raising 2 kids (practically on my own) to get my college degree and make my dreams come true. Honestly, I thought after graduation my life would just fall into place and the final puzzle piece would complete me.

I graduated a year ago, and although I have applied at 1908358 schools I still haven't landed a teaching position. I've went on several interviews but they never seem to land me a job. What am I doing wrong? Granted, I do get nervous and tongue twisted but surely that's to be expected for a first year teacher looking for her first teaching gig right?

I have a good job but it's not where I want to be. It's not my passion and I'm living for Friday afternoons..wishing my days away. Every interview is another set back where I contemplate if I made the right career choice. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I mean how can I teach when I stumble over interview questions that I actually study for well in advance?

Sometimes I wonder will life suddenly be unicorns and rainbows when I land that job. Will I be happy then? Will I always feel like something is missing?

I've searched near and far and busted my ass to find happiness...Im tired of playing hide and go seek.

I should be happy in my place now. I should feel blessed that I have come so far but I always have that little voice in the back of my head telling me its not good enough...I'm not good enough.

These feelings are magnified after rejection ya know from not being picked for teaching positions and it will quiet down when the sting goes away but thats where I am right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

You guys are always so supportive.

xoxo.

I got kicked out of a bowling alley...

Ya know when you're gearing up for a Friday night the possibility of a bar fight or something crazy happening at Waffle House at 3am is not too far fetched. However, when you're gearing up for a Friday night that begins with 2 kids and Applebees... Drama is not an expectation.

My son has been staying with his dad or my mom during the week because I don't have childcare for him during the summer. I only get to spend time with him on the weekends and I really want to make them special. I mean its summer vacation for them, too bad mom is stuck at work all day everyday!

Mike and I decided to take the two oldest boys cosmic bowling. We began the night at Applebees... yay for a cheat meal I was craving bread and juicy hamburgers like no other. Clean eating sucks big fat balls in case you didn't know!

After eating a glorious calorie filled meal we decided to head on over to the bowling alley. It was still early so we hung out in the arcade for a while until it was time to pay for cosmic bowling.

Let me just say it was 60$ for us. SIXTY. To throw a heavy as ball down a floor.. RIDICULOUS!

maybe this is why its so expensive

Anyway, I finally figure out how to put our names on the board because I'm an idiot genius, and we begin playing. My brother went and got a pitcher of beer for him and Mike and it looked like the evening was off to a good start. However, when Mike asked for an extra cup they asked for his ID. My man is 32 years old with a full on beard..he in no way looks underage. The lady then refuses to give him a cup because his license is expired by 2 freaking days! So I just pull out my ID and get a cup. No big deal, we continue to bowl.

All of a sudden a group of 3 men in matching neon shirts approached us with arms crossed and mean looks on their faces.

Apparently because Mike drank from 'my' cup we were being thrown out of the bowling alley for illegal drinking.. wait what? No...we're all of age (except the kids, they're still bowling) and his license was expired for all of TWO DAYS.

Mike said fine but I want my 60 bucks back, I mean we had literally been there for like 10 minutes. The guy goes back and forth with Mike threatening to call the police if we didn't leave. Mike then put his finger up said hold on its my turn, walked away from the bouncers and bowled. hashtag zero fucks given.

So the bouncers leave to 'go get the police' and we continue to bowl... total lack of respect for authority right now yall... such a horrible example for our kids. At this point Im like maybe we should go I mean you dont need to get arrested over hot as beer in a bowling alley. The bouncers return in about 2 minutes. Um sir, we're going to let you stay (read there isnt shit we can do about it) but don't let us see you drinking again. Mike says no Im leaving and I want my money back.

We walked out pretty pissed off, we didnt get our money back but we got 2 free passes for next weekend. And what did I learn from this whole fiasco? Bouncers pretty much have no authority what so ever and the look on their faces when Mike challenged their empty threats.. Priceless.

Fitness Friday

Joining in with Jen again for Fitness Friday :)) These last 2 months I have improved  so much and I swear its because I have these linkups and such keeping me accountable! Another + for the blogging community right?!



1. What is your favorite time of day to workout?
 I like to workout early in the morning, during the weekday its the absolute worst to get up at 5am and then work all day, however once I have slept well I usually get up around 7 on Saturday and run and it is amazing!

2. What is your favorite Super Food?
Eggs... I eat an abnormal amount of eggs, but theyre so yummy and keep me from eating junk throughout the day :)

3. What are some of your fitness goals?
Right now I am topping out at 4 miles and that just about kills me. I want to keep running and learning to breath better because my next goal is to do a half marathon!

4. What is your favorite vegetable?
Is avocado a veggie or a fruit...it has a seed so its a fruit right? Well if not avocado then red bell peppers I could eat them all day long!

5. What is something fitness or health related that you’d like to work on?
Lately I have really been focusing on just my abs and running. I want to start some weight training and tone up my arms eventually.

I was getting frustrated because the scale will not budge but I then took my measurements Im down 2 inches in my waist, hips, and thighs! These jeans made me have muffin top really bad a month ago, now they fit YAY! #NSV

I am Fearless

Liz over at Fitness Blondie who is amazing and inspiring and gorgeous.. oh I got caught up shes total woman crush material has bared or is it beared her soul to us and shared her amazing story. Read it here. Now she wants to know what makes you fearless?

I have previously shared my story here,  here, and the second part here. 
Please feel free to click on over an read my story, I would share it again but I don't want to bore my loyal readers out. A lot of the times we'd rather share things that are funny or whimsical but sometimes we have to be true to ourselves and that's what the whole point of being fearless is. 

Have I always lived fearlessly? No. I was scared of judgement, criticism, living alone, my appearance, you name it I was afraid of it. Am I completely fearless now? Nope. It's something I am working on daily.

How am I fearless?

I overcome an abusive relationship with friends, an ex-husband, and with food. I had friends that were toxic...they'd feed me the lines I wanted to hear and drag me down right along with them. My exhusband abused me emotionally & physically. In fact the emotional abuse was far worse than the physical..I literally felt like an empty shell just floating through life. I had no feelings .. I was just there...numb and letting my life pass me by. Which turned into an abusive relationship with food. I was eating to fill some sort of void in my life and at the time food was the only thing that made me happy. I don't even think you could say happy, food gave me something to look forward to but the only feeling I felt was full. Then the fullness would go away and I'd slump back into my chair and get lost in a daze of nothingness until I decided I needed to feel full again. So the cycle continued and the weight piled on.. I didn't care. If I wasn't eating I was sleeping. It kills me to admit this now but I would put Bailey in front of the TV just so I could sleep. I had no drive really no will to do anything.

I wish I could tell you what finally made things click for me. I can't. One day I just got out of bed and decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. I wanted to be a better person and a better mother. I wasted some good years living in that funk and I can't get them back now and that is a regret I will live with for the rest of my life. However, I made a lifestyle change I dropped all the dead weight in my life which includes toxic friends, my ex-husband, and my unhealthy eating habits.

I am fearless because

• I made a decision that would forever change my life and never looked back.
• I no longer let anyone or anything control me.
• I am control of my happiness and how I react to things.
• I am no longer a prisoner in my own body.
• I faced the judgement and critisism and realized it really wasn't that big of a deal.
• I chose to love myself again when I didn't think I was worth loving.
• I heard people talk about my fad diets and being referred to as Oprah but I didnt let that stop me.
• I am happy with who I am.
• I am confident with who I am.
• I am strong because I embraced myself!

before

My kids have always been my biggest motivators but once I finally done this for ME, not my kids, not for other's approval, not because it sounded good...but really did these things for me. THAT is when I felt fearless and alive again!

Don't forget to enter the giveaway if you haven't already! Ends 6/21

a Rafflecopter giveaway

9-5 & Win 100$ to VS!!!

Today is the second installment of #TotalSocial. Link up with any social media and this week Helene and Sarah want to know about your #9to5. So talk about your job or your dream job and join in :) Its fun I promise!

Currently I am a loan processor for a mortgage company. There are approximately 4 people in this office and that is including me. I get to work at about 7:45 and I leave every day at 5. I never take a lunch break because my home is 40 minutes from work and I literally have no where to go. #loser

Most of the day I am reading blogs, playing on facebook and twitter. It's not that glamourous guys I'm bored out of my mind. When we have a lot of loans closing then I am busy, I make copies, I scan things, sometimes I even get to fax. #bejealous. I answer phone calls and I get plenty of cardio at work because about every 5 minutes I hear "Brittney, come scan this for me". Then I sit back down and start reading blogs again.

I was a stay at home mom for 6 years and no I don't wish I could do that again. I don't care what anyone says that is the hardest job ever and I am relieved to have 8 hours of peace and quiet a day. I do really miss my brats though but peeing alone is pretty freaking awesome! While I was a stay at home mom I was getting my teaching degree and yes it took me 6 long ass years. Going to school full time with two kiddos isn't that simple especially when one of them gets sick and then you have to take time off or then you have to take time off to have said second kid. Point is I did it!

My dream job is to be a teacher Id love to get up at the crack of dawn and teach all day. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in Kindergarten, and my goals have never changed. However, the economy sucks butt and well now Im behind a desk losing my soul for eight hours a day. I'm hoping that things change soon and I can get these student loan sharks off my back I can land my dream job and truly enjoy what I'm doing.

But for now... Im working reading blogs and mastering the art of looking busy  for some great people and I do like what I do but it's not my passion.

So link up and tell me what you do all day!

Well since Im not enjoying my Summer, you might as well enjoy yours. Tia, from Hands on Pants off and 10 other beautiful bloggers (myself included) have put together a fabulous giveaway. You could win 100$ to Victoria Secret... WOOT WOOT

  a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thanks Sunshine!

  Elisabeth from My Cup Of Sparkles sent me the Sunshine award and it made my day so Im passing it along.

 

Rules:

1. Post 11 random facts about yourself

2. Answer 11 questions from the blogger than nominated you

3. Nominate 11 bloggers to receive the award

4. Write your own 11 questions for those bloggers

5. Notify them of the award.

11 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME

1. I am double jointed in my hips ;)
2. I'm a netflix junkie..I could literally watch TV all day.
3. I have never tried cottage cheese.
4. I have had plastic surgery.
5. I pick my eyebrows out with my fingernails when I'm bored.
6. My boys have been the only thing keeping me going some days.
7.  I am super shy and awkward around new people.
8. Sushi is my favorite food.
9. I still dont see myself as grown up LOL
10. I can't go a whole day without talking to my mom.

Questions from Elisabeth

1. Why did you start blogging?

Back in 2009 I started blogging to enter giveaways, then I fell in love with the community. I quit blogging after my second son was born in 2012. My life has made a complete 360 and I ventured back into the blogging world a few months ago.

2. What's the best vacation you have ever taken?

Panama city beach with my oldest best friend, we went every year and there are so many memories and inside jokes that I will never forget.

 

3. What's your all time favorite movie?

Hmm thats tough... Id have to say Love and Basketball or A league of their own.

 

4. If your life were a movie, what actress would play you?

Emma Stone, I feel like we have a lot in common and I love her goofy personality.

 

5. Android or iPhone?

Droid, Ive never had an IPhone.

 

6. What is your favorite online boutique?

The Mint Julep Boutique check them out on facebook!

 

7. Books or movies?

Books, I love getting lost in a good book.

 

8. What would you want your last meal ever to be?

SUSHI & Hibachi

 

9. If you could hop on a flight right now and never come back, would you? And where would you go?

Can I take my kids? If so.. absolutely Id go to Fiji or Bora Bora.

 

10. Who is your greatest role model?

My grandmother, she has been through so much and she is still my biggest supporter and such an amazing woman!

 

11. What's your favorite part of blogging?

The support and friendships!

 

I Nominate:

Laney from Night Owl Venting 

Christina from Sold Out Arenas

Shenine from Be Mused

Liz at Fitness Blondie

Jen at JVKom Chronicles

Duckie from Frikken Duckie

Becca at Becoming Addorable

Ashley from A Faithful Passion

Racheal at The Racheal Way

Juliette from The Other Juliette

Tay from The Daily Tay

My 11 questions....

1. If you could change one thing in your past what would it be?

2. What is your go to comfort food?

3. What was the last book you read?

4.Tell me one thing that makes your hometown special.

5.What is your dream job?

6. One thing that will make you never read a blog again?

7. Twitter or Facebook?

 

8. Fave show to binge watch?

 

9.If you could visit with anyone dead or alive who would it be?

 

10. Who is your celebrity crush?

 

11. Why did you start your blog?

How I got rid of baby fever..

So lately all of my friends are posting adorable newborn pictures, engagement pictures, wedding pictures and then I look at my little ones and well they're not so little anymore. I started getting baby fever and then I started thinking of future baby names and how cute our kid would be. I have all this going on in my head so of course I'm dropping hints to Mike ever so carefully.

Yea I am the queen of subtle y'all! So as he slowly backs away from me scared to make any sudden movements because I've obviously ventured into crazy girlfriend land he does something that was so incredibly sweet. No baby but here's a newborn orphan kitty! He found him on the side of a busy highway and well he couldn't just leave him there.

I was like OMG hes cute I love him can I keep him Can I name him... hello Brittney is going off the deep end again!

Well hes only about 3 weeks old so he cannot go potty by himself or eat by himself which I didn't think was too bad how much trouble could it be ya know?

OMG I do believe this cat cries louder than a newborn, and he has to be syringe fed every 4 hours and I have to simulate mama cat licking him (I do it with wet wash cloth ew dont be disgusting) to get him to use the bathroom.

Every 4 hours

MEEEEOOOOWWWW MEEEOOOWWWWW

okay I can do this... roll over feed him now go back to sleep kitty. Nooo now kitty thinks its play time at 3:00 in the morning and decides my face is a great place to walk all over.

By the time my alarm clock went off at 5am I think I have had 2 hours of sleep and Im now entering a dangerous place because when I don't sleep... Im not a nice person. I threw my phone across the bedroom. Quickly handed Mike the kitten and went to go exercise.

Long story short I dont want to get up all hours of the night, I dont want to change diapers and warm bottles and lose precious precious alone time by having another baby right now... It may sound selfish but I don't care

Baby fever is gone, boyfriend is happy, and thankfully kitties grow much faster than human babies and this won't last very long.

Fitness Friday

Im linking up with Jen again for Fitness Fridays. Im loving these link ups and challenges they keep me accountable :D

1. What is your least favorite exercise and why? 
ABS even though I try to do an ab workout at least 3 times a week. After 2 c-sections my stomach muscles are pretty much worthless and doing abs is painful and then when I look down I see my mom kangaroo pouch and I immediately yell at my kids.. look what you did to me! Lol just kidding...I can say Im starting to see some definition and that kangaroo pouch is slowly going away. C-sections are a bitch, and ab workouts are too!
2. What is your resting heart beats per minute? (to calculate count your pulse for 15 seconds and multiply by 4)
Im a loser and can't find my pulse... am I dead?!  Okay I found it on my neck and the number I got was 68... now Jen explain to me what this means LOL

3. Do you prefer to exercise alone or with company?
I'd love to have a workout buddy but have yet to find one. I invite but an excuse always gets in the way and aint nobody got time for dat!

4. What is your go to exercise outfit?
I really want all those cute razor backs with the awesome sayings on them and the cute shoes but hey broke mama here so I go with my skulls tank and pants.. I actually think its a PJ set from Walmart but Hello SKULLS I rock that shit!

5. Think about this time last year. Are you more or less active than you were a year ago?
More active, last year I was simply counting calories and going to a boxing class twice a week. Now Im working out at least 5 times a week and really seeing a difference. I weigh 6 lbs more than I did last year but at my lowest weight I had flab and was 'skinny fat' as I call it. Now I look more lean and tone! The number on the scale isn't everything ladies!

PART 2 Happily ever after

I shared Part One of my Happily Ever After-Divorce HERE. Long story short I left off with a restraining order against my ex-husband after a pyscho high speed chase through town with my 1 year old in the car with me. I'm sharing part 2 today because I have court about this next week and I'm feeling pretty anxious about it.

I got the restraining order. He wasn't contacting me or the boys and life settled down. I was completely happy with him out of our lives even if I was struggling financially. I'd rather struggle than have a psycho-path give me some money.

This calm period went on for months. I thought everyone was happy, and we were moving forward with our lives.

Then it happened again, violence. Only this time it wasn't my ex-husband. It was my six year old son. While I was happy and free he was spiraling downward. He was crying all the time. Physically and emotionally pushing me away. Fighting with neighborhood kids and his brothers. His grades were dropping and he was a very angry child.

I did everything I could think of to help him. I tried spending one on one time with him. I gave him a notebook to write in. I spent time talking with him and encouraging him to communicate with me, and nothing was working. I was really worried that things were only going to get worse. One day he screamed at me. WHY CAN'T I SEE MY DAD. WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT OF OUR HOUSE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

I felt my heart break into a million pieces right then and there. My baby was hurting and he felt it was because of me. Of course I didn't tell him what happened that day. He was too young to understand and all of my other explanations and speeches were falling on deaf ears.

I decided to listen to my child's needs and I arranged supervised visitation with his father. He and I were only communicating through email because I wasn't ready to risk a repeat of our previous encounter. He begged me to drop the charges and I refused. However, I did agree to let him see the kids a few hours a week. He sent me an email and said he admired the fact that I was finally standing up to him and I was a lot stronger than he remembered. 

I don't believe anything he says, really I don't. I believe hes sober, and living his life right because  he's on probation and he has too. However my son was happy again he brought his grades up and his anger seemed to disappear so I felt like I did the right thing by allowing him to see his dad.

We have court next week. I try to convince myself that it wasn't that serious but then I look at that post I wrote and it's scary. I have to convince myself that it is serious. It is real. Our lives could have ended that day and I can't take this lightly. I dont want the father of my children to go to jail. However, for my own peace of mind I have to stand up in court and tell the truth. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. My own family thinks I'm wrong. They think it was just a heated argument and I should let it go. I cannot let this go. He got away with so much in our marriage that this is my only way of letting him know that he did not win. He does not still control me. He cannot keep manipulating me.

I guess that isn't really true though is it?

When the police showed up at my house again this morning with a subpoena I had a panic attack. Why do I always forget about myself and my feelings. Why can't I focus on the pure fear coursing through my body that day. I know he's made some recent changes but that doesn't take away from what he did to me that day or throughout our marriage. I can't, any longer, let his well being cloud my judgement. I care because I don't want my kids to lose their father to prison, but where would my children be if he had killed me that day?

I'm done being the doormat. I know he's 'changed' but that doesn't make the past go away. I will for once in over a decade stand up to him to make him be held accountable for his reckless and dangerous behavior. I don't want to see him go to jail, but in life there are consequences for every action. His may be jail time. Mine may be having to deal with anger issues from my oldest son. I will address that when the time comes.

Some people, my family included are calling me cold hearted. Technially yes his future is in my hands. Want to know what else is in my hands? MY FUTURE. MY KID'S FUTURE. If I drop these charges and it happens again where is my credibility? I've already crossed the line by breaking the restraining order. I need this on his record for our protection. I am not miss Chloe I don't know what the future holds but I can't take the risk of not being taken seriously if it ever happens again.

I will let you know how it plays out, Im sure things are about to get ugly again. Say a prayer for my boys if thats your thing

xoxo

I confess...Im a ditz

It's Wednesday and I am linking up with Kathy at Vodka and Soda because she rocks and if you're not linking up you're missing out on some AWESOME blog posts! Wednesday is my favorite day in blogland, all the confessions are funny to read and it makes my workday go so much faster.

Instead of a bunch of confessions, I only have one today and the story is kinda funny so let me show you just how stupid I can be. First off let me remind you I am a highschool and college graduate with a teaching degree that's probably the worst part about this.

Mike and I are sitting at Longhorn ordering our dinner before we head to a friend's engagement party.  He then shows me this picture on facebook...

I said sure let's do it! I then got to reading and I was like I'm confused what am I supposed to eat for breakfast. He said chicken. I was like no this is a guide it's not a meal plan I can eat like eggs or something for breakfast. We argued back and forth he said this is it and there is no wiggle room. Then I said it.... the line that changed the night.

I can eat eggs...eggs are chicken.

I wish I could say I immediately wanted to take it back. I wish I could say I knew it was wrong. I can't I am a fuckin' idiot sometimes. 

Mike: No the F it isn't you're an idiot.
Me: Yes it is..its fuckin protein dude google it.
Mike: Fine I will but you're so wrong.
Me: Uhmm it comes from a chicken
Mike: So its not a chicken you can't eat it. Google says its a dairy.
Me: Its not a fucking dairy you're an asshole.

Are you feeling the love we have towards one another? HA!

By the way eggs are totally in the meat section of the food pyramid... I'm not a total moron!

Our argument was never solved and I confess I am an idiot who thinks eggs are chicken.

You're welcome!


I have one more confession for you also that just arrived via text.

I confess I am the mayor of loserville. Apparently complaining to your boyfriend and little brother that you have no girlfriends makes them feel like they need to make me a profile on POF for best friend dates.

Im going to kill them... SERIOUSLY!

I tortured my boyfriend at applebees..

Y'all when my monthly comes I turn into a completely different person. The week before I am a raging bitch like the sound of someone breathing is going to piss me off. If you sigh lord help us all. I am going to turn everything personal. If you've had a shitty day I'm going to assume its my fault and thus I'm ready to fight. If theres a dish in the sink the entire universe is coming to an end. Im not exaggerating its pretty bad.

Last week little B had a preschool program at his school. I was past the pre-week craziness and thus moved on to the crying over every single thing phase. We're talking Clare Danes level ugly cry!

I cried because my oldest son spent the week at his dads. I cried because my boss got short with me. I cried because my baby sang and dance at his preschool program. I cried because I ate too many calories, the laundry isn't done, and dinner wasn't cooked. A full on hot mess express y'all.

Anyway....

After Lil B's performance at school my boyfriend asked me where I wanted to go eat. Please keep in mind I havent told him I was surfing the crimson wave yet. Although the signs were all there.

We decided to go to Applebees 2 for 20 yall! I cant even think about Applebees without thinking about Rickey Bobby... LOL #isthatweird

When I got there my boyfriend had already went in. Raging bitch in 3....2.....

Then I noticed our waitress was hot and skinny... Pyschotic Bitch in 3.....2....

But I didnt complete the countdown instead I sat in my chair like this

Thats when my guy said OMG I'm going out tonight you're being ridiculous. Let me just say he has no idea what Im mad about. FUCK.. I dont even know what I am mad about.  I was like whatever BYE!

 Then I sat there and poked at my salad and my cali chicken that wasnt that good by the way. Avocados aren't supposed to taste like pineapples Im just saying. He went on with his conversation and acted like nothing was wrong.

Then tears started rolling down my face .... and he was like what Brittney What is it because I came in without you to get us a table? I dont even know what to say to you. You've went through 100 emotions since we walked in the door.

I dont know I just have cramps and the laundry is piled up and my avocados taste like pineapple. YOURE SO MEAN TO ME!!!!

He then turned to me and said OMG I knew it... CBF (chronic bitch face) all day long and crazy moods. I deal with you being crazy once a month! Today I feel extremely guilty that I put him through all of that. Then again I could be psycho year round.

And thats how I tortured my boyfriend at applebees. Do you act crazy when you're surfing the crimson wave? I go through so many emotions its unreal. Now I will be sitting here hoarding chocolate and crying over commercials.

xoxo!